Finton's Frolic: Who's got the better hair, David Luiz or Matteo Guendouzi?
By Daniel Finton
What up, pimps?
Welcome one and all to the first ever installment of “Finton’s frolic”. The chief editor of the site, Alfie Culshaw and I, came up with a scrumptious meal of sorts to help all of those starving for footballish content during this dire time. On a weekly basis, I will be writing up a light-hearted piece on something random that has some regard to Arsenal in one way or another. Unlike the Coronavirus, this virus will never go away, so get used to the sickness. As you have read from the title, today's subject matter will be hair.
We all want it, but do not all have it. And as someone whose hairline is running backwards rather than forwards at the young age of twenty-one, who better to judge players who’ve got it in abundance, right? I cherish my flowing ginger hair because I know sooner rather than later it will be a mere memory, just like toilet paper, given the current COVID-19 conundrum.
Before getting down to the facts, I figured it would be the right thing to mention a few notable individuals who did not quite make the David Luiz and Matteo Guendouzi grade, but still have a great set of follicles. Hector Bellerin thankfully chopped his horrific top knot off, leaving him with an Nsync Esque bit of 1990’s boy band vibes (See picture below for his doppelganger). The 90’s were a great decade, so he comes 3rd place in the indisputable rankings. At 4th place is Mohamed Elneny, who's currently on loan at besiktas. He has a nice head of dreads that see him look a bit like a palm tree (which is a good thing given the well-respected tree's popularity and loveability).
Now, the ultimate debate. Who out of the two has the better afro, Guendouzi or Luiz?
Obviously, there are a great deal of factors that come into play when judging one's God given helmet, especially when it is an afro. Though the Brazilian and Frenchman have the same curls, they take care of them far differently from one another. The mercurial Frenchman seems to be in full control of his curls. Mousse is surely a frequent purchase for him. Guendouzi's curls have a bit more structure to them. They’re actually polar opposite to his personality, yin and yang. It’s actually quite beautiful when you think about it.
However, Luiz is all natural. No doctoring necessary. In a world of restricted curls where friziness is often frowned upon, the Brazilian says no to such an unjust opinion. Along with such a powerful statement also comes the advantage of longevity for Luiz. Guendouzi’s curls have only just come to the limelight, whereas the Brazilian’s are somewhat legendary. Since I started watching football Luiz has been donning his undoctored, frizzy mop. Who’s to say that Guendouzi will not go bald in the near future? Luiz is a resounding 13-years older than the former Lorient man and is still rocking the infamous hairdo.
Though the decision was tricky and both players have a miraculous mop, I felt it would be wrong to go against the legendary locks of Luiz. The longevity, infamousness (if that's a word) and title winning abilities of his hair left me with virtually no choice. Also, it is worth noting that Guendouzi is absolutely horrible at heading the ball, while Luiz specializes in it. Maybe this shortcoming of the Frenchman’s play and more importantly, his afro, comes from the fact that he keeps his follicles on a leash rather than letting them frolic freely like Luiz does, this consequently may see his hair become unwilling to help him when slapping his noggin at the ball. In closing the top four players in terms of hair are as follows:
1) David Luiz: All natural, consistent and long-lasting. Symbolism of freedom and moreover, liberty.
2) Matteo Guendouzi: Yin and Yang. Crazy man with a controlled set of locks. (Probably smells great as well).
3) Hector Bellerin: Enough self-awareness to know a top knot is a horrendous hairstyle, although not enough to know that the 1990’s are over. Nonetheless, it was a great decade.
4) Mohamed Elneny: Resembles a palm tree, which is a great tree. However, he does not play for us and given his skill set is undeserving of such a head of hair.
That is all folks. Thanks for reading the first ever Finton’s Frolic. Remember to always wash your hands, even after the virus goes away, don’t be a swine. And last but not least, I bid thee a toodloo.!