Finton's Frolic: Which Arsenal player smells the best?
By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, pimps? Welcome one and all to the second edition of “Finton’s frolic.” In the previous piece I took an in-depth and inarguable stance on the subject of Matteo Guendouzi and David Luiz’s hair, and moreover, whose reigned superior. In the end I opted for Luiz, given the fact that I prefer all-natural. In this week's piece I will be discussing who among the current squad undoubtedly smells the best. Though footballers all are sure to get stinky given the hard work they put in in training, matches, and relentless gym sessions; you just know there are some that are more pleasant on the ol’ sniffer than others. For example, some players that are presumably stinky are ones such as Sokratis and Hector Bellerin.
To start, the Greek international spends all of his time and effort looking intense and plotting ways to murder people. Therefore, he has no time to douse himself in gallons of cologne like others in the squad do. Hector Bellerin's inclusion in the stinky list is one that may puzzle a few. Despite his good looks and Johnny Depp esque charm, he undoubtedly has a strong wilted-kale-essence to him. His vegan lifestyle is not one that I would follow, although I do respect it. That being said, the overwhelming smell of kombucha and Acai bowls is not a scent that I am too keen on and I think most would agree that it is unpleasant.
Contrary to the stinky boys, there are also some that you just know smell delightful. Alexandre Lacazette undoubtedly has a strong scent of cologne attached to him at all times and the ever rugged, yet welcoming, smile of Granit Xhaka is the same. However, there is one player in particular that is undoubtedly the best smelling player at the club. He has not been here long, but it is that of Pablo Mari. Along with Mari’s tall frame and perfect facial hair comes a pirate-like presence. Where Bellerin has young Johnny Depp vibes, Mari has the older, more rugged version of said presence. Following this aura surely comes an essence of pleasantly musty oakiness. It would not surprise me in the slightest if upon signing the Spanish defender on loan, Mikel Arteta (who surely has a very hair sprayish smell) had some reservations over signing the clunky defender that were soon forgotten upon taking a whiff of him. Mari probably provided Arteta with his special “Hipster Pirate Oak” cologne as well to seal the deal. Rumor has it, the spray is so powerful it can even mask the pungent stench of two bottles of hair spray left in helmet looking hair.
That is all folks. Thanks for reading the second edition of Finton’s folic. I promise on everything that these will not always be me deciding who has the best features and next week’s piece is going to be a lot different. Remember to listen blindly to the government in these times of dire straits, because when did that ever do us normal people wrong? But anyways, I bid thee a toodloo.!