Finton’s Frolic: What is Gabriel Martinelli Hiding Under Those Gloves?
By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone brought to you by the self-proclaimed world class journalist that is yours truly, and producer Mac Johnson. Well, my fellow American Deputy Editor isn’t actually the producer, however, he is a reservoir of good ideas that I will never refuse to use to my advantage. In this week’s installment, the man that I so love to call “Macgisterial” suggested that I beg the question, “what on earth is under Gabriel Martinelli’s gloves that seem to never come off?”
Like any good journalist would, I fired the inquiry right back at the inquirer to get his thoughts. Johnson stated the following with regards to what he believes lie under the hand warmers.
“I’m pretty sure it’s either an exquisite pair of hulk hands, or he’s actually the Energizer Bunny, and that’s where he keeps his power cells that make him able to run forever. Just my thoughts though.”
His guesses are good ones, and they may even be true. Are Martinelli’s hand socks like that one tent in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire? Do they look like unmenacing, regular gloves from the outside, but on the in they are actually enormous enough to encapsulate Hulk Hands? Possibly. If one player can manage such sorcery, it is the mercurial, magic Martinelli. You’re welcome for the Football Twitter handle idea.
Mac also spoke about the possibility of Martinelli actually being the Energizer Bunny. I will not speak to this hypothesis further as they don’t pay me to write these. Other battery brands are available. Nevertheless, it's a good shout as the Brits would say.
So, the two possibilities we’ve discussed thus far are Hulk hands, or Energizer Bunny paws. For the latter that'd presumably also include a drum and two of those stick things. Is there anything else that could be hidden under them though?
Yes. I have a theory. And sadly, I believe it to be a correct one. Remember, this is called the right opinion zone for a reason. There IS something that Martinelli is hiding under those gloves. The Brazilian is unquestionably hiding every time keeping device of Arsenal teammate Pierre Emerick Aubameyang.
Think about it. Martinelli has been talked about in the same breath as the center forward position for a while now. Who’s the main man in that area? Aubameyang. Martinelli surely knew that if he was to sabotage his captain, it would give him a better chance at starting in the North London Derby.
Unfortunately for Martinelli, however, he did not think to also steal the time keeping devices kept by Alexandre Lacazette. Because of that, Lacazette was probably early as ever, and that made Mikel Arteta’s decision for him. It's likely that Auba has purchased some more time keeping devices now, but there's only a matter of time until Martinelli knicks those too. The gloves are, in fact Goblet of Fire-esque. He's got loads of room to store clocks, watches, and more.
There you have it. The question was: is there something hiding in the depths of Martinelli’s hand encapsulators? The scandalous answer is yes. WLYA will do all it can to try and speak to the Gabon international about the thievery, but it will be difficult as he has been very quiet about the whole late fiasco as a whole.
What do you, the Pimps, make of such delinquency from our Brazilian starboy? Is it justifiable, and indicative of his killer mentality, or did the 19-year-old take it too far?