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Finton’s Frolic: They’re Making it Hard To Be Silly

By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)

Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. T’as been a while so I do apologize to the six of you that give a damn. I overwork as some of y’all fully know by now. I shamelessly do so to cover up the self loathing and hatred towards the idiot writing this much delayed piece. Also, I sort of hate Arsenal too.

The last three matches have been “heLLLacious”. Given our run to the end of the season all three matches were must wins. Obviously the run didn’t go in our favor (nuanced analysis, I know, thanks). Oh, and of course, Tierney’s leg fell off again, Partey exploded, and Tomiyasu is either dead or involved in some betting scandal; the former is more likely to be honest.

So everything sort of just went kaploo-ee in our faces like a prank can of peanut brittle. Are those things even real?

It made me not want to write silly content for the last few weeks. I just couldn’t realistically see how the hell I was supposed to make light out of us bottling the hell out of a long awaited Champions League return.

I’m no Shakespeare, so I don’t find tragedy funny. I’m more talented than him. That’s not meant to be cocky, by the way. The ol’ S-Peare sucks if we’re being honest. The late Tomiyasu was a more talented writer too, not just I. He didn’t make up words like his fellow massive headed writer did. RIP to them both and our Champions League hopes. Kidding … Shakespeare isn’t dead.

Hemingways, I don’t know what the hell to write about so let’s just talk about how I make these stupid write ups. If you don’t care, exit out. I have your click, we got the ad money and I’m rolling in the 25¢ we’ve made from this piece. This one’s for the TRUE Pimps.

I’m basically like a disgustingly hairy ginger bed bug. I find a subject to latch onto with my parasitic teeth, and suck every bit of blood and humor out of it that I can. Sometimes it’s funny. 1% conversion rate. Shoutout Ronaldo free kicks.

Every FF has been written on my iPhone notes. So when Arsenal kill me, someone should find my (other word for phone to avoid saying it again Looool), and sell it and all of the already free content on it for like $7 (£6,000,000).

Also, I wrote this eppo in my bath tub. The video of me writing it will be posted on WLYA Productions’ Only Fans page. That content ain’t free. Oh, and no, that’s not Lucas Torreira’s pinky finger. In all seriousness though, I write better when I’m in hot water. So if I was Mikel Arteta after one loss I’d be Stephen King. Cue tomatoes, that sucked, kill me with them. Tomatoyasu. Get it? Because dead. I hate me too.

Funnily enough, I never write intoxicated despite how stupid that last paragraph was. I write up Frolics the hour per week that I’m sober. If I did write them drunk they would be somehow worse.

I don’t put pictures between paragraphs anymore because I’m lazy. I say Pimps because it’s gender neutral and a YouTuber I like used to say it. I say toodloo because .. actually, I’ve no clue why I say that.

And finally, I write these because I love to make people laugh. I’m not that good at being analytical, but I can make folks giggle at that aforementioned 1% conversion rate.

Nah I kid, I wish that was true, but people laugh at me even when I’m trying to be serious. So I guess that doesn’t really leave me another choice. Shoutout Arteta with his current eleven.

So yeah, there you go, Pimps. That’s why I’ve not been doing these. This sucked. My pet rabbit shits too much. And I hate Arsenal.


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