Finton's Frolic: The Nuno Slash
By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. I would say I hope you’re all doing well, but I don’t really care.
Well actually, you know what, I sort of do. I hope you’re doing badly. Hear me out, there’s a reason why. Or stop reading, I have your view.
I don’t really understand the habit of internet based content creators telling their readers/audiences/people that tolerate them that they hope those folks are well. Because they just most certainly don’t hope those groups are doing good. If you’re living your best life; with friends, family and other stuff that’s considered normal for a social human being, you’re not gonna be consuming that content creators’ shit as much.
I mean think about it, what do you do when you’re feeling depressed or anxious? You bury yourself in your smartphone to ignore the rest of the world, consuming gallons of what’s usually completely useless garbage (i.e. this stupid series.) So, in a nutshell, those content makers lie, I don’t. I’ll tell you the truth. I hope you’re all as terrible as a Nuno Tavares shot from three yards out that clears the London county line. Enough about sociopathic makers of stuff though, let’s talk about the Nuno Slash.
Nuno Slash sounds a bit like a dance move from the 90s. One that would see people violently flailing a leg up into the air completely recklessly like a strange sideways, fleshy helicopter. It’d eventually be outlawed in ‘94 as it would directly cause 67 concussions on one fateful spring night in Ybor City (the town with all of the sketchy clubs here in Tampa.) It’s one of the few places that produces more horrifying shots than Nuno does any given 90. Gun joke. A lot of you wouldn’t get them as they’re illegal in your country. Badum tss.
Anyways, I’ve been roasting the poor lad for a few milliseconds and I’m inevitably gonna get some cringe lord saying, “funny, but 'arsh,” all Britishly. So I’ll preface, or maybe “after face” this — seeing as the roastee has already been roasted — by saying he’s a promising player with a lot of potential, especially given his athleticism. And you can’t say the lad isn’t exciting. But come on Pimps. The slash.
I’m not sure I’ve ever seen something like the Nuno Slash. In the WLYA Writing Team group chat, I sent a message out asking something along the lines of “how?” Our token Aussie Allan Riley said: “I think he just kicks it tbh.” And honestly, I think the whippersnapper is right.
Nuno is a bit of a strange case because he just gets to the box so damn easily. He outmuscles most and will leave the vast majority of defenders in his wake with blistering pace. But then he gets to the box and is sort of like how I used to be as a young, single fella 57 years ago.
I’d make my way into the box (not that box, I’m talking area of a conversation, gingers don’t typically make it into any sort of box as we’re bottom of the pecking order), and I would just panic and make a super stupid decision, such as telling them I have IBS within 32 seconds of a conversation. That’s what Nuno does. But with a football.
However, while the Nuno slash can be irritating, humiliating and potentially dangerous as a cocaine lovers dance in a 90s nightclub, the intention, much like the dance, is actually a positive.
As for the make-believe dance, if you’re putting that much effort into getting down on the floor, you’re super hard working and will do anything to attract a mate or any sort of positive vibe around you, which I’m sure is good for a club. But again, I’m a ginger. They don’t let us in, so I don’t know.
And with Nuno, he’s clearly got enough confidence to go for it. Maybe he doesn’t quite yet have enough seasoning or self belief to actually cool himself prior to having a go, but the Nuno slash is a good start. And I’m sure the slash will be refined to a safer dance move, or shot, or flirting ability, or whatever. I’m confused. I’m sure you are too, so let’s leave it there.