Finton’s Frolic: The FINAL Consensus on Gabriel Jesus and Matt Turner
By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. The transfer rumors have slowed down, and no concrete, true news has developed recently. At least none that doesn't provide the risk of committing libel, so we’re going to talk about Arsenal’s win against Nerd Burger, or whatever they’re called, on Thursday.
And when I say we’ll talk about the friendly, what I mean is, chat about Gabriel Jesus and Matt Turner. It’s fair to say we know everything we need to about the new pair.
Matt Turner? More like Matt Turn around and go back to New England, and get out of the old England, you stupid Yank. Am I right?
After shipping three goals to Nürnberg — which were all totally his fault — it’s evident that he ain’t the guy. I don’t want to hear any excuses about preseason or anything either. We’re Arsenal. We must win these vital fixtures. Rust or no rust. Dust or no dust. Lust or no crust. I don't know where I'm going with this. Crust, pizza, Turner is a pizza crap footballer...? Idk.
Here's where I'm going, Turner has to go. All Gooners will surely agree (totally not out of inadvertent xenophobic bias and totally not because they secretly wanted him to fail so they have something to miserably tweet about from their parent's basements). The window is still open, and I’m sure Edu and co. kept a receipt. We must ask about a possible return policy. #MattReTurner.
Knock that fraud, BTEC, Great Value Jesus statue in Rio down and erect the superior one that actually saves to look down upon Brazil. This man is the best human being to ever live. And honestly, we should just call him “God Jesus” instead of Gabriel, seeing as we have too many Gabis any way, and he’s more powerful than God and Jesus combined.
The movement, work ethic and actual ability to shoot is so refreshing seeing as we deployed a 79-year-old to do that stuff last season. It’s clear that Jesus will be a really important player going into next season. Perhaps he could even be the player who helps us push even closer to Champions League football again.
Nay. You know what, nay. Nay harder than the horse that will take Turner back to Massachusetts. Said horse will be super out of breath after having to gallop, swimmingly across the Atlantic and will let out many nays. Even more than the three I just typed. (Bet you’ve never heard swimmingly used like that.) Jesus will be the man to push us to challenge for the Premier league title! In seasons past, Manchester City have narrowly won the crowned silverware. But now that Jesus has parted ways, there’s no clear next best team in the league. So we may go on to win it. Exciting times ahead.
He’s been incredibly humble as well after such a breathtaking debut. It’s nice that he is good and doesn’t appear to be a total asshole like some other player from a big team that also happened to be South American, that left for Manchester United that may or may not be named something that rhymes with “a Texas ranch prez.” I mention him as this signing has been compared to his from a couple years back and they have a similar industriousness about them.
Anyways, that’s that. Turner is a turd erv' a goalkeeper and must go, and Jesus is the best athlete to ever grace a field of play. I hate myself.