Finton’s Frolic: Pros and Cons of Arsenal players donning Hazmat suits to get Football back
By Daniel FInton (Deputy Editor)
What up, pimps?
Welcome one and all to Finton’s Frolic- formally known as the be all and end all, or the right opinion zone. Today I will be discussing the pros and cons of Arsenal players wearing hazmat suits in this time of adversity to get the football back in a more timely manner than it is sure to come at without them.
To start things off, we’ll get under way with some much needed positivity: the pros of Arsenal players donning hazmat suits. Some of the benefits of Arsenal playing with the apocalyptic, plastic gowns would be undeniably tempting. First off, football would commence once again and draw the miserable boredom to a much wanted close. After already viewing Netflix’s masterpiece, “The Tiger King”, I find myself with a deep, black void in my heart, more spacious than the gaps in that one guy’s set of chompers, which is home to like three fucking teeth at most.
I, along with many others, are missing football greatly. If footballers were to wear hazmat suits, the football would return and that would be the biggest pro of all. But wait, there’s more! There would be no risk of spreading any kind of infections onto other players, staff of game-day-operations, or even supporters.
Furthermore, hazmat suits happen to be very stylish. They come in a host of colours, with yellow being the most popular. Luckily our traditional away kit happens to be yellow too. Therefore, if our frugal owners were to go through with having players play with hazmat suits they could buy the most common ones and that would save money. All that would need to be done is embroidering. Names, numbers, the badge, the “Fly Emirates” sponsor and most importantly, the “Visit Rwanda” sleeve sponsor could be added easily.
There are some unfortunate cons to this proposition though. First off, players who presumably sweat heavily when playing football may suffocate themselves with their own hellaciously dreadful odour, due to a hazmat suit's purposeful lack of ventilation. Also, players with big and flamboyant hair may not be able to play in the suits at all. David Luiz, who has been labelled as one of our best signings of the summer and one of the standout performers of the season, would most likely be forced into the reserves, as would Matteo Guendouzi.
Despite the negatives, it is obvious that the pros outweigh the cons, so the gunners would be well advised in going forward with the hazmat suit idea. If one goes to Zoro.com, they can find an Encapsulated suit, 3XL, Lime Yellow, Tychem(R) 10000 for the low price of $981.54 or £784.64. They are a one size fits all kind of thing, so we’d only need one big set of them, awarding them to every member of the coaching staff, the referee and every supporter in the entire stadium. Whilst it may be overly-ambitious of me, I think we can get it done, and if we buy enough, in bulk, maybe we can get them for a cut price fee. Who knows, maybe even Stan Kroenke’s wife who owns Walmart could even help us get our hands on a “Great Value” set of them.
Thanks, cheers and gracias for reading the Finton’s Frolic. Remember everyone, wash your hands, stay inside and stop insulting the state of Florida- our lives are already miserable enough in this hell hole. I’ll see y’all next Saturday, but until then, I bid thee a toodloo.!