Finton’s Frolic: Mikel Arteta’s Hairless Chest
By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. The transfer window is starting to heat up, so I hope you all have Youri Tea Lemons ready to be squeezed in a tall glass of .. damn, I’m saying tea twice in one sentence.
As I’m writing this, interest in "tea lemons" has reportedly cooled and Arsenal are close to finalizing a deal for Fábio Daniel Ferreira Vieira. The second Vieira. Or “FDFV”, an acronym Martin Ødegaard uses in place of “for dee fucking vin!”
That’s bold of Mikel Arteta to pull off this sort of a stealthy transfer at what may be Tielemans’ expense. It looks like the Belgian may have to remain with the Foxes if no one else enters the race to sign him. And that’s a ruthless smoke screen if that turns out to be the case, from Arteta. One that only a man’s man with a broad, hairy chest would pull off, right? Wrong!
A picture has surfaced of our manager playing some sport(s) on the beach. It was brought to my attention by the recent Arsecast Extra episode, so shoutout to them seeing as they need it and I'm far more popular than them...
They spoke about his quite hairy legs, and absolutely naked torso. James (Gunnerblog) said that he looked “half man, half goat.” I personally see it as a naked mole rat sitting upon a fresh pile of hair on a barber shop floor. Maybe it’s Gabriel’s locks. Seeing as he’s getting a Rob Holding esque hair transplant.
To many, especially those with hairy chests, such as I, unfortunately, this could be seen as a sign of fear of who you truly are.
“If you’ve got it, keep it and flaunt it,” said some guy with a hairy chest that’s too lazy to shave it (probably at some point someone said that, there’s like 7 billion people, I’m sure someone did.)
Contraire Mr. Chest Hair. I have a conspiracy theory. Listen up, Pimps. Or read, rather. This is written content. If you can hear it the edible was too strong.
I know the reasons why Arteta waxed his chest. And yes, before you ask if he actually did that, take a gander, it’s as smooth as a sea lion in a pool of butter. As slippery as any transfer ever carried out by Raul Sanllehi.
Here are the two explanations. First, noticed how Pep Guardiola is bald? Well, Arteta knows that if he truly wants to be as tactically clever as his former boss, some part of him has to be hairless. It can’t be his head because his hair is too perfect. Nor his legs as his wife likes them that way (allegedly .. per no one, but I bet she does, I do. *cough* I mean .. they’re fine, I guess, his body his choice.)
Secondly, there’s no coincidence that we’ve been receiving more money for transfers. The now present scenario where the manager asks for financial backing goes something like this:
Arteta: *Walks in room* “Yooo Joshy poo, can I get some money, boo?”
Josh Kroenke (because we know damn well Stan ain’t there) : *Looks up, immediately enamored by Arteta’s luscious locks* “uhhh .. uhhhfff course! No wait actually, this club is a self sustai —,”
Arteta: *Slips out of room before Josh can revoke his promise.*
Seeing as Arteta has no chest hair whatsoever, he glides out of the room faster than a bug to glass, or Yves Bissouma to an .. you know what, never mind. Let’s call it there. I’m going on vacation.