Finton's Frolic: Kieran Tierney is the Second Coming of Christ to the British Arsenal Fan
By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, pimps?
Welcome one, and welcome all to the Finton's Frolic, right opinion zone. Last week I ventured off to the American, North West to a little state that many of you Brits reading this probably don't even know exists; Oregon. I'm from Florida which is known as one of the "Big 4" here in "The Merica" (along with New York, Texas and California) and Oregon is this bad ass, under-the-radar state that has mountains on beaches and shit. Also weed is legal. That was dope, pun intended.
So rather than this week being the one where episode 30 comes along, 29 is the edition this time around because I was busy getting really, really high. Like, so high that I'm pretty sure I almost saw God.
Anyways, speaking God and all that, Kieran Tierney is a God of sorts to the British Arsenal fan and well, this article is basically going to be an American talking about how strange the fetishizing of the Scottish left-back is.
To start, I've talked about this before. Previously, a FFROZ (Finton's Frolic Right Opinion Zone) spoke about how Tierney is the ideal player from a British fan's perspective. I spoke about how those who reside on the island love his shirt-tucking and his quite mild, bordering boring personality. I thought one of these pieces would be enough but fuck me, after the post my American eyes came across on Twitter yesterday, I knew another FF about "Kiki Tha God" had to be released.
The love for Tierney has gone from sort of cute and refreshing to totally over the top and completely fucking bizarre. Literally everything the guy does is welcomed with "Oye he gets it" or "It's so noice for one of the chaps to be like us normal folk". Tierney could genuinely post a video of him spitting on a newborn puppy and the post would be welcomed with a flurry of support like, "Yeah, go on, Kieran!".
The aforementioned post on twitter I saw was praising Tierney for not wearing a long sleeve shirt or jacket in training in the rain. Like dude, I'm sorry, how is that remotely admirable at all? I love Tierney but my goodness, that's just a poor wardrobe choice. I wear flip flops on hikes at this park close to my house all the time, which is equally ill-equipped and I don't get any praise for it. The guy is gonna catch a cold, bundle up Kiki!
Don't get it twisted, I absolutely love the weirdness of Tierney too. He's such a strange character that seems almost completely unaware that it's the 21st century. Players like Pierre Emerick Aubameyang have golden sports cars, sick trims, and speak like 10 languages, contrarily, Tierney presumably only speaks English, carries Tesco bags and probably finds mayonnaise spicy.
So, keep on loving him, it's good to resonate and have admiration for a player on your favorite team, but can y'all at least try to simmer down the wankfest weirdness? If it persists, the guy will be probably request a transfer to a team where fans aren't as good/passionate like Manchester City or something.
Anyways, that's enough. As ever, thanks a million for reading and once again, consult a therapist if you enjoyed this piece of writing. The Gunners square up to Leicester and Tierney's former boss, Brendan Rodgers tomorrow in what is sure to be a sticky and tricky affair. Let's hope for a dub as per. Until then pimps, I bid thee toodloo...!