Finton’s Frolic: How Each Arsenal Player Would Fare In Squid Game
By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. The international break is basically done, but it’s really not finished for us until Monday. Enjoy a weekend of looking forward to a Monday, those are rare. You know what isn’t rare, though? People that have seen Squid Game.
If you’ve not watched it by now, you probably never will, or you’re one of those weird people that don’t participate in a given thing until said given thing is no longer popular. You live your life with the belief that you are quirky and individualistic, but you’re a sheep just like the rest of us and that kills you. Just watch the show. Stop being on the fringes of your social circles by not doing so.
Anyways, you know the premise of it even if you’ve never watched though, so let me shut up and get on with it.
Like the show, itself, we’ll start off with the red light, green light game. Basically, if you move after the creepy robot says red light you get shot in the face. With a gun. And you die.
As the squad lines up to play, each member fancies their chances. They look to each other with confident delusion. Soon as "green light" is said, in English not Korean so they can understand it, each player strides forward.
The robot then says "red light."
Bernd Leno can’t help himself. Overtaken, he blabbers out, “I am the number one, I will always be the number one!” And he is right, he gets murdered before any of his teammates. He is death number one. Aaron Ramsdale looks on in shock whilst thinking, “less competition for me," even though there was very little to begin with.
Ramsdale reveals a big smile. He cheeses hard as he always does. And because of that, BOOM. He gets relegated for a third time in a row. But relegated to death this time.
Kieran Tierney then looks to the robot. He stands up straight. “I just wanted to let you know,” he stated, staring intently at the murderous hunk of metal. “I’m not cold, that’s why I’m wearing shorts and short sleeve shirt. Despite the low temperature, I’m not cold because I’m so stro-,” BANG. Tierney gets yeeted. Now his body is cold. Because he's dead.
Ben White looks at Tierney being all dead and stuff. He lets out the way he’s feeling because he can hold back his true emotions no longer. “I need another spray tan.” SKADOOSH. White is dead.
Gabriel’s tooth then falls out for a 400th time. BANG.
Rob Holding notices he can see his head in the robots reflection. He mustn’t move, his hair is coming back. It’s an incredible comeback story. He’s got every reason to live! The hair’s return is so moving, however, that a tear falls from Holding’s left eye. It counts as movement. KACHOW. Dead.
Cedric doesn’t move. He remains completely still and lifeless in a way that’s similar to his time with Arsenal. But the robot kills him anyway.
Takehiro Tomiyasu looks over to his good friend Ramsdale and sees him dead. He puts his head in his hands and sobs. The robot then says, “you can leave bro. I’m not killing you. You’re too likable.” Tomiyasu looks up in disbelief. “Really,” he asks. “Lol no,” the robot says, quickly changing his opinion on him like the Arsenal fans probably will soon. BANG.
Nuno Tavares is on the right side of the playing field despite starting at left back and is running around like a headless chicken. So the robot shoots him dead as well.
Chambers and Mari die in the background because I’m too lazy to come up with something unique for them.
Kolasinac stands still, completely motionless. He will survive this round. The robot is surprised that the dude is still even there. But then, all of the sudden, Kolasinac just starts moving backwards, completely nonsensically. He could have been in with a shout because of his physicality, but he’s brainless. The robot decides to fire a bullet at his heart because firing one at his noggin would be a lost causes as there’s nothing in there.
Partey is completely still at first, but then he goes down with an injury from stopping too suddenly. BANG.
Ainsley Maitland-Niles looks so unbothered it angers the robot and it decides to kill him for failing to respect the game. Ainsley gently lies down and dies in the literal coolest way possible.
Elneny has literally been running backwards the entire time. He’s long passed Kolasinac’s regressive dead body. BANG. He dies too.
Granit Xhaka slide tackled Lacazette for literally no reason at all as the robot said red light earlier, so both were executed. Xhaka’s lifeless body was then given a red card from one of the employees. He's set to miss the next 700 squid games due to violent conduct. And also the fact that he's dead.
Aubameyang and Pepe are smirking at each other. Without a second thought they both do the Pepe celebration. Each of the cringe forwards are gunned down on the spot. Auba falls to his death doing a front flip and sticking the landing even though he’s dead. Pepe falls to his left. You know why he opted for that side.
Balogun looks towards Auba and wonders how he’s not picked over that joker. He then instinctively pulls out his phone and tweets an hour glass emoji. BANG. He’s killed because of his addiction to social media.
Nketiah pulls out what he thinks is a phone too. He tries to call for help because he knows he has no chance of winning. He tries to dial a number on his hand thinking that it will actually get through to somebody. POW.
Martinelli is benched for the game.
Ødegaard, Smith Rowe, Saka and Lokonga are the only players who remain. They’re the only ones who aren’t completely incompetent, or lack any shortcoming like Tierney’s insistence that he’s not cold, and Partey’s glass bones and paper skin.
The robot deactivates itself. The five look at one another in a confused fashion. Martinelli looks on at them from the bench wondering if he’ll get game time now that literally everyone is dead (he won’t).
An announcement comes over the PA.
“The Newcastle owners and other weird rich people that watch this have lost interest due to the fact that this game has gone so poorly,” the anonymous voice announced.
“Killing you five would be wrong as you’re the only hope for Arsenal football club. We want Gooners to at least have some expectations as their delusions are pretty damn funny.
An inflatable unicorn then comes down from the now opened ceiling with only Mikel Arteta sitting upon it. Once the over-sized floatation device lands, the manager pats the empty space next to him inviting them all on.
They each sit upon the mythical steed, looking back at their dead teammates. Arteta gets up and pulls out a rope. He pushes Martinelli off of the raft and ties the bench which the Brazilian was sitting on, to the tail of the unicorn. Arteta stares at the youngster non-negotiably, and Martinelli then moves back to the bench.
The unicorn and attached bench take off and fly out of the building through the ceiling. They’re all a bit surprised Ramsdale, Tierney, Partey and Tomiyasu aren’t there but don’t ask any questions because this is my story and I don’t want them to.
“That was really nice,” an Amazon director said.
Each “dead player” got up and went about their business once again. Some to the set's communal punch bowls and others to a table decorated with free food.
“A few more takes, and I think we’ll have this 30-second scene sorted, Mikel,” the director said to Arteta.
The manager uttered a question sheepishly. “Can we just train and focus on our game now...?”
“Why bother,” the director asked, raising his voice as if he was hoping to make the boss feel small.
“This new, state of the art, completely original, and not a rip off of a Netflix show; Octopus match is the future! Football is ruined, it’s time for Arsenal to enter the entertainment industry if you wanna stay relevant. It’s much more ethically run anyways,” he said sipping from a cup of failed actors' tears.
Arteta just stood there watching all of his players on the set, socializing. They looked happy. And stupid. Clueless as ever. He came to a stark realization.
"Oye...,” he whispered quietly to himself, non-negotiably. “A lot of these guys really suck. Maybe we should go Hollywood and make the sequel to this tragedy a comedy since we’re a complete joke.”