Finton’s Frolic: Gabriel Jesus’ Goatee
By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. Today, I was planning on doing one of those “x amount of reasons” pieces saying a bunch of random crazy stuff that would happen before Gabriel Jesus was announced, but came to a realization. As soon as I release such a piece we’ll undoubtedly see the social media posts and the article would become redundant; even more so than the other FFs already are.
Instead, I figured I’d talk about our new signing in a fresh way. There’s been too many positives flying around, and very few people are talking about some of the downsides out of sheer excitement for the new, shiny player’s signature. As you can see from the title, it’s his goatee.
I’ll start by saying I’m not a fan of that facial hairstyle in any way. I’m a traditionalist in the way that I believe if you’re gonna have facial hair, have it all as a beard, and if not, have none, being clean shaved. Mustaches are a no, and a soul patch is despicable. Some may disagree, but remember, if you do, you’re wrong. This is the right opinion zone.
The things that bother me most, and should bother you too, about Jesus’ facial hair situation are as follows in this miniature list. Love a list.
Given his goatee, he shaves just half of his face; the cheek bits. Let’s hope that half-ass attitude isn’t anywhere to be found in him as a player.
The man’s name is Jesus is for crying out loud. Imagine if he had a giant “Godly” beard. Opportunity missed.
The only bits of facial hair that he keeps are the ones that could get food in them. Mutton chops would be a more practical facial hairstyle even, because at least if he made a blip with some food it wouldn’t get on his upper lip, or chin hair.
In my eyes the goatee is unappealing and a mistake (shoutout me).
But perhaps Jesus sees it differently. I reckon I’ll hear him out as I now love him more than I’ve ever loved anything. Here’s a list of reasons he may don the controversial goatee.
Recognizable-ness: no player in their right mind would ever have such a stupid facial hair style. Yet, if he does, and an old friend — so old he may no longer even recognize Gab Jeez from up in the corporate box at the Emirates — sees his shiny cheeks, but rugged chin and upper lip, they’ll know it’s good ol’ Jesus. No one else in the world has a goatee.
He is actually a fan of food droppings as he likes to save his eats for later. Now, that would be quite gross, but also, good for the environment and not a total waste of food. Mid-match, Jesus can nibble on a bit of macaroni that fell onto his chin if he needs a a carb loaded pick me up.
He is actually Jesus Christ, but is in a disguise. Maybe if he grew out his beard it would be obvious. He can’t have a naked face because it’s cold as balls in England, but he can’t have a beard because people will go bonkers and ask him to heal shit if they know he’s Jesus and he’s risen or whatever. And for now, the only thing he intends on healing is the Arsenal. Thank you Jesus, good on you, praise be to you!
Ugh. So maybe there are some practicalities associated with having a god awful, gross goatee. That’s the beauty of sitting down and taking stock of a conundrum with writing.
I hope you all were on that emotional rollercoaster that I was in the front row of. What a ride. We see now that maybe there are some reasons for that thing.
I don’t like it, but it’s good for certain individuals that prefer it, and I’ll live with their decision that I don’t agree with. Hmm.. Maybe the US Supreme Court should hire me then as I can stay unbiased and reach conclusions that aren’t irrational even though I love Jesus.