Finton's Frolic: Florida Python Hunters Needed at Arsenal
By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton's Frolic right opinion zone. Today, I will be discussing why Arsenal should look into signing a Floridian Python Hunter as soon as possible.
There is no two ways around it, the priority is not a creative midfielder, nor a right sided central defender. What the Gunners truly need is somebody to hunt down and execute whomever the snake within the club is. Since Mikel Arteta took over, typically private matters have been delivered to the press on a constant basis. It's getting to the point of ridiculous in terms of how good this snake is at delivering to be honest-UberEats should snap them up, maybe we can work out a trade deal if no Hunter is signed. But seriously, it's got to the point that if Dani Ceballos eats rancid paella the night before training and destroys the toilets at London Colney, we'd all hear of it.
Matters such as Ceballos' bowel movements and scuffles with David Luiz should be kept hush, hush. However, with the ever-elusive snake at the club, this hardship will persist.
No one knows who keeps whistle blowing but Hector Bellerin is the only person who has even shown a hint of possibility. Above is a picture of the vegan's leg. Why would a vegan have a tattoo of a carnivorous animal? There is clearly a symbolic meaning. It's blatant that he is trying to tell us one of two things- either he is the snake, or the snake is right footed (seeing as the ink is on his right leg). That narrows it down pretty nicely, actually. We know it's sure as shit not Nicolas Pepe seeing as he does not even have a right foot. Also the other lefties are clearly not the culprit either.
The leech, snake, mole, rat, or whatever you want to call it must be stopped and preferably killed as well. And that is why I believe Arsenal should look no further than the Python Hunters here in my home state of Florida.
A recent report in the Tampa Bay Times stated that a Python Hunting agency in the Everglades has killed 5,000 of the invasive snakes in just three years. That is an incredible amount of snakes dealt wit! A skilled huntsman or huntswoman would easily be able to find just one more at some "Soccer team".
The best part is the fact that these snake hunters actually come quite cheap too. According to the Sun Sentinel, "The going rate: $8.65 an hour, with extra bounties depending on the length of the snake. It's an additional $50 for the first 4 feet and $25 for every foot thereafter. Hunters who catch pythons that were guarding eggs can collect an extra $200." That means that whomever the Arsenal snake is could easily be removed for almost McDonald's wages. Unfortunately, mating season ended mid-November and the incubation period is 55-65 days so the club may have to pay the $200 bonus if the snake is protecting its unbirthed, but it should still only be around $1,000 at the most.
What is the club waiting for?
That's all folks, thanks again for reading and of course, any updates on links to Python Hunters will be reported on the site as they come. None have been talked of as of yet, however the night is still young. Until then, Toodloo...!