Finton’s Frolic: Cedric The Celebrator
By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)
What up, Pimps?
Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. Today we’re gonna talk about everyone’s favorite Arsenal player Cedric. Screw the pleasantries, let’s get into it.
You may have heard of Cedric the entertainer, he’s some American guy who does a lot of stuff. Like uh .. entertaining ..? But our “ceddy” is different, he doesn’t perform a wide array of talents like the entertainer does. In fact, he only has one true skill. Cedric the celebrator is masterful at the theatrics that come after a goal.
Let me put it this way, if Cedric was half as good at defensive coverage as he is at celebration coverage he’d basically be a short king version of Tomiyasu. Yes I’m implying his xCAT (expected celebration arrivial time) is twice as impressive as Tomiyasu’s defensive abilities. Worry not though, we’ll get into xCAT later on and spoiler, we’re not gonna roast Tomi’s defensive abilities at all.
In the previous match to Watford I was utterly dumbfounded when I came to an odd realization. Cedric is just always there. Additionally, he’s typically one of the first to arrive. He’s like a stressed, middle aged mom that arrives to the airport four hours early. One of those people that arrive so early that it’s rude.
Even if he had no involvement in the play whatsoever he’s still always one of the first giving little hugs and smooches to the goal scorer. I’m quite frankly not sure how he does it. Nor am I intelligent enough to understand how he’s quite able to get to the complete opposite of the pitch (sometimes) so fast. Luckily, however, that’s what xCAT is for.
Cedric has the highest xCAT in the world. There’s even an expression amongst the dorks that use X stats for Cedric.
”70 percent of the world is covered by water, the other 30 is by Cedric celebrating. God I wish I had a girlfriend.”
David Luiz had an impressively high number at Arsenal as well, but it’s nowhere near Cedric’s. While Luiz had an xCAT of 8 seconds per goal, Cedric’s xCAT is 0.00017 seconds per goal. That means that he genuinely starts celebrating before the ball even goes in.
So that got me thinking. Are Cedric’s world class xCAT numbers the reason he’s so dog water at defending? And if so, are solid defending skills really worth the trade off? Perhaps not.
Unfortunately, there’s not yet a science that measures how much celebration intensity impacts defensive duties. WLYA Productions is currently concocting a new X stat that will be called xCATEODL (expected celebration arrival time effect on defensive location), it’s pronounced ex-cat-ee-Ø-dull.
So if you see Cedric running towards the corner flag, or perhaps a burrow of our boisterous supporters at the Emirates, just know Cedric, the goal smelling celebrator, has caught a sniff vision thingy of a ball trickling into the back of the net. Be excited when you see his arms thrown into the air and his eyes dart towards the shooter. His stats just don’t lie.