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Finton’s Frolic: Ben White — Deceptively Villainous

By Daniel Finton (Deputy Edtor)

What up, Pimps?


Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. It’s been a while and I do apologize to the three of you that give a shit. I’ve just been working way too hard and torturing myself, mentally, because I’m irrationally petrified of not landing my dream job. It’s funny, because my dream job is basically writing. And now that I’m working so hard towards said aspiration through other projects, I’m doing the thing that I love the most less. Siri, what’s the definition of self-sabotaging?


Anyways, seeing as it has been so long, I came up with three potential Frolics over my absence. This one, that you’ve obviously just read in the headline; another about Thierry Henry’s terrible punditry; and finally, one that would be titled something along the lines of “well, at least our owner isn’t responsible for the deaths of innocent people.”


For the sake of staying positive I scrapped the other two .. for now. The light’s at the end of the tunnel regarding the pandemic, the Pimps don’t want to read about anything negative such as war. Y’all will surely be reading that elsewhere anyways. I’m terribly sorry for all of those impacted in any capacity, by the way. I’m a goofy blogger, so it probably doesn’t mean much coming from me, but still. Also, sidebar, I don’t know anything about foreign affairs, so let me be self aware enough to shut the hell up about them, unlike literally everyone else.


And as for the Henry attention seeking punditry — which isn’t a millionth as notable as the conflict in Ukraine of course — why talk about that when things are so great in such a terrible world for the Gooners?


How fitting is it that the world is falling apart, and NOW we’re happy. Moving on. Ben White.


If there’s any Arsenal player that doesn’t come off as a prickly shithouser at face value it’s Benjamin. Yet, comments from players about him, clips of him being a scoundrel, and a viral photo of him celebrating in the face of an attacker show looks can be deceiving.

Players such as Lacazette and Xhaka don’t hide their devious side. In fact, the latter, especially, would probably be caught and given a red card if he committed a clumsy tackle in his very own back garden. He’s about as subtle with the dark arts as a bright green glow stick at the bottom of the ocean is stealthy. And Lacazette is constantly diving, complaining, and putting in rough tackles. So he’s now rightfully seen as a complete workhorse/bruiser of sorts by us and basically everyone that ever watches him. White hasn’t been figured out yet. Like an elusive White tiger.


Maybe it’s the charming face. Or the obnoxious tan. Or the soft spoken ness that is apparently only so mushy in the public eye. Let’s not forget he threatened to punch Aaron Ramsdale if the young shot stopper made another save. He did so out of pure love for defending, apparently, but still. He’s insane behind his veil of sweetness. A proper weirdo you want in your back line.

When you couple the threat to Ramsdale with his celebration in front of Minamino and his recent heel nip against Wolves, it makes you wonder, have Arsenal finally found a player that can be a bastard without getting caught? Obviously the first two actions aren’t illegal, but we all know the ref would find a way to neuter someone like .. gee I don’t know, Xhaka (played out, come up with an original joke loser) if they committed either of those atrocities. Yes even the off field Ramsdale one, by the way.


Even if we haven’t found a player that could get away with murder with a hearty British smile like Coady, and he winds up getting figured out though, it’s still refreshing that we’ve got a bad guy that’s able to carry himself like a protagonist. I don’t foresee that ability to manipulate going away.


I’m not comparing him to the world’s best because he’s certainly not at that level yet, but most world class players are similar in a way. How they’re perceived is significantly different from how they actually play and the actions they do.


Take Sadio Mane for example. I’ve seen that dude break at least nine jaws. But he just never gets punished. Why, you may ask. “Nice guy”. Good and humble bloke that would never hurt a fly. Just another players skull. White has that same cadence when gracing the pitch. Only he hasn’t yet tried to kill someone with a flying boot.


Let’s hope he can keep tricking the officials because I’m pretty confident his dooping of the public will remain a constant. It seems like opposition fans and even players aren’t aware of his wicked ways.


Well, that’s enough beating that dead horse. Sorry if I’m rusty, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything to be honest. I’ll leave you with this though.


While White may be a secret antagonist, there’s one thing that he’s pro (and I ain’t talking tagonist) at. His aptitude with the ladies. Or his “bird catching abilities” as Ainsley Maitland-Niles would call them.


While watching Friends — judge me, I don’t care — I saw one Jennifer Aniston get exposed for a “White night” on a first date, if you catch my drift.

Benji, you dog. Not as in the dog character named Benji, by the way. I’m calling him that due to the fact that he’s good with the ladi—


Toodloo…!

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