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Finton’s Frolic: 5 Unconventional Strikers Arsenal Should Sign

By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)

What up Pimps, welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. Today we’re gonna talk about the striker conundrum plaguing this great club. To be honest, it’s sort of self induced. Balogun has left on loan, Auba looks as if he’s nearing a move to Barcelona on loan — which is good as he was completely left out of the sides trip to Dubai — Nketiah’s deal is on the verge on expiration, and Lacazette is Lacazette.


In the last match, 700 years ago, the last fella on that list missed an absolute sitter after a sexy Smith Rowe run, and showed throughout the drab affair that he isn’t an out and out goal scorer. And from the aforesaid list, he’s the one you’d assume would be starting for the remainder of the season. That’s a problem if we actually want top four. Or six. Or eight.


With all of the names being thrown about I figured I would put some out there as well. This ain’t gonna be a list of Isak, Vlahovic who’s now moved to Juventus, and David either, Pimps. These are strikers we should really be going for now that Stan Kroenke’s Saint Louis, no wait LA Rams just knocked out last years Super Bowl Champions last week. He’ll be fully focused on them. We may have to get weird.


DT


Worry not, it’s not the DT you’re thinking of. Say what you want about Arsenal, but I’m pretty sure we do not allow violent stalkers into the team. And to be honest, I guess this fella doesn’t actually have the initials DT at all. I've deceived you. Sort of like the former AFTV "man" tricked a lot of people into thinking he was a good person.


The man I first found was some other bloke by the name of David Torchia who apparently isn’t the agent of Dusan Vlahovic like I initially thought. I was bamboozled as well.


Some website said that dude was Vlah’s agent and obviously he has the initials DT, so you can imagine how much my eyes lit up and ears perked up when I saw that. Turns out, however, that outlet was trash and the journo had a flop. So anyways. Darko Ristic is actually the agent. We should sign him. Not that Torchia dude.


DR is greedy, and honestly, that’s what we need at Arsenal. My man secured a bag that was worth around one seventh of what Juventus paid total for Vlahovic. 10 million smackaroos for answering phone calls? That’s impressive. I’m not sure what his xM (expected money) was from the deal, but surely he’s out performing it. I’d imagine he’d do the same with regards to xG. Sign this man up!


Eduardo Hagn


Football Twitter’s Eduardo Hagn has been getting lit up this transfer window. People are finding out that he doesn’t really know what he’s talking about. Just like literally every other self-proclaimed ITK. He just has a lot of followers so people assume that’s due to the fact that he’s privy to some sort of information.


Despite the crucification though, he’s continued to tweet and ignored the “noise,” as Sanllehi would call it. That ability to ignore criticism could potentially be useful to Arsenal up front. Also, he’s got some Chilean in his blood. Possible second coming of Alexis Sanchez in bound?


Cooper Kupp


Cooper Kupp is a football player that is already employed by Stan Kroenke. He just doesn’t play the same football that we’re used to.


He’s 6 foot 2, a wider receiver (fast, ball catchy guy), and has recorded some of the fastest runs in NFL this season (20 mph/32 km/hr). Not bad for such a lanky lad. He has an overall rating of 91 on Madden, so I’d imagine he’d at least be in the high 70 to 80 range on FIFA.


He’s 28 so he’s in the prime of his career. The only issues are his wages and we don’t know if he can actually kick a ball. But we employ Cedric and he can’t, so. KSE pays him around $300,000/week plus bonuses to tear it up in their multi billion dollar stadium, by the way.

Arsene Wenger


Another big fella. In size and personality. I know what you’re thinking, “come on Finton, he’s 72.” I know, I’ve accounted for that.


With the energies of Emile Smith Rowe, Bukayo Saka and Gabriel Martinelli around him, we could just have him stand there and do nothing like Zlatan does for AC Milan. Or like Darko Ristic does for a living. Or, even like the FA does when Arsenal are done wrong. Ah, who am I kidding? The latter two never even stand up. But I digress, Wenger would be a great signing at striker.


He cares deeply about, and loves the club more than basically anyone. That dovetailing with his personality and frame could be incredible. Get it done!


Connor Armstrong


Speaking of people that care about Arsenal, here’s a dude who doesn’t at all. Connor Armstrong, the former social media dude for the club.


Never before have we seen a social media admin get so famous. If that’s not the most Arsenal fan thing ever I’m not sure what is. We shot arrows on fire at a man that was merely the messenger and I’m pretty sure we hounded him out of the club. It probably felt so weird for a young man like him, working a cubicle job, to have so much fame. But he didn’t give a shit. So he left.


That level of not giving a fuck would be an incredible attribute for a forward. Sometimes I think strikers, such as but not limited to Lacazette, miss chances because they care too much. Armstrong wouldn’t give a damn.


The only downside is we couldn’t play him against Southampton twice a season or so as he supports them.


Anyways, those five may be unconventional, but I think they’d definitely provide competition to our current crop of strikers as things stand. Get it? Because they’re both dog water? See, this piece did sort of have a point, after all!


Toodloo…!

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