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Finton’s Frolic: 24 Inopportune Moments Where Arsenal Would Offer Mikel Arteta a New Deal

Updated: May 8

By Daniel Finton (Deputy Editor)

What up, Pimps?

Welcome one and welcome all to the Finton’s Frolic right opinion zone. It’s the Saturday before “judgment week.” So I’ve got to get my last “funnies” in before our top four dream is achieved or squashed. I guess there are scenarios when it can be delayed further — potentially even to the last day of the season — but one would think it’ll be all but decided this week. Pray to all the Gods there are or aren’t.

Whatever happens though, we’re back in Europe next season. And given the terribleness of our previous campaign, that was honestly all I was hoping for. While it would be excruciating to miss out on top four at this stage — to the cocks of all teams — I, and most honest people will admit that a Champions League return wasn’t even anywhere near my radar. For me, if Mikel Arteta got us back into Europe, he deserved a new deal, given how steep the downward slope looked under Unai Emery. Apparently the board felt the same.

And so it was announced. Arteta has been given a new contract until 2024.

Most don’t have any issues with the new deal, itself, but many do question the timing of it. Oh yeah, and apparently Arteta felt like people weren’t questioning it enough, as he admitted they offered it to him after three losses in a row. That most recent string of three losses by the way. Hurts that we’ve had more than one in one season, but we move.

And we move into another classic, aka I’m too lazy to write a lot FF list, Pimps. The number 24 has meaning, as the numbers always do, because it’s the year the new deal goes to. Without further adieu here’s 24 innopportune moments when Arsenal would offer Arteta a new deal.

  1. The one that actually happened: after three horrendous losses in a row at a vital stage of the season. While a lot of — like as in the rest of these, will be hypothetical, this one is not. Boy, what a time to offer a coach a new deal. PR wasn’t brave enough to announce directly after though. Or should I say PRave.

  2. After we find out Arteta’s hair is actually a wig. To show support.

  3. The day after his deal ends. To show how brave we are.

  4. After being relegated they’d probably offer him one as well.

  5. After Arteta two foots Harry Kane. At a dinner party. That Arteta wasn’t invited to. Kidding. That would actually be opportune.

  6. After selling Saka for a can of hair spray.

  7. After sacking Jover in a video on what would be his new YouTube channel. The title would be: “It’s jOver.”

  8. They’d even offer him a new deal if he stated that Emerson is “less shit” than Tavares. (Nuno isn’t total shit, don’t come for me.)

  9. After being caught planning the building of a Cedric Soares statue.

  10. While being caught taking a shit on the Emirates touch line. The club would bring him the document mid loaf pinch.

  11. After using the aforementioned contract to wipe as he forgot toilet paper. Luckily the intern that brought the document had a spare contract in his back pocket.

  12. After using the spare contract to wipe as well. He drank the tears of ÖzilThings the night prior with dinner so it gave him the runs.

  13. After admitting he’s pro Ukraine-Russia conflict.

  14. At Arteta’s funeral.

  15. As the world is ending three years from now like the scientists are saying it will.

  16. After saying anything good about Mourinho.

  17. After he admits he “sort of liked”Morbius.

  18. After a video was leaked of him saying he also “sort of likes” Kroenke’s mustache.

  19. After selling Saliba and bringing back Mari.

  20. After telling Cazorla “no” to his “one last match with Arsenal dream” as Arteta confesses that he hates Santi’s smile.

  21. While he’s on the tea cup rides and Disney Orlando with his family this summer, from the next cup over. Just months after already signing him onto a new deal.

  22. On a Tuesday. I hate Tuesdays. Club’s going up that day though. Good days for Arsenal.

  23. After Arteta conspiracy theorizes that British accents aren’t actually fully real. He says: “like, they’re real, but I’m telling you: they exaggerate them because pop culture says they sound cool. Take that previous world “cool” for example. They’re fully capable of saying “cool” but they instead opt for “kyool” sometimes. Exaggerated.”

  24. After admitting he reads Daniel Finton’s shit content. No one knows what he’s talking about so the fan base then see him as senile and or delusional.

Toodloo …!

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