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Edu is Running Arsenal Like a Bad BBQ

By Max Mishcon

No one ever said running one of the world’s top football clubs was easy, I’m sure it’s as stressful and demanding as any other director or CEO’s job would be.

But there’s a level of competency Arsenal fans have become accustomed to. Whether that is due to the undeniable success of the Wenger and Dein days, or a result of the somewhat ruthless nature of our fanbase - in the stadium or online.

This Summer’s transfer cycle has led to me, and countless other Arsenal fans alike, developing what is commonly known as ‘main character syndrome.’ It appears as if all other clubs around us are conducting effective business in an efficient manner. Chelsea splash on Lukaku, United cop Sancho and Varane, City sign Grealish like it’s nothing and Edu remains in his multi-million pound holiday home, standing smugly as cigar smoke puffs potently out his mouth and meat sizzles on his barbecue.

For all I know, the Gaspar family are enjoying what is a delicious meal Edu has kindly cooked for them - but if he has cooked this barbecue in any way like he is running Arsenal, then they’re in for an absolutely shocking spread.

As we all know, the barbecue begins with the food itself. Edu roams around his local butchers. The choices are endless! The Brazilian has the choice of some very expensive meats or some cheaper ones, some fresh meats which he can keep for years on end, or the meats on sale which are soon to expire, all kinds of meats from all over the world.

But for whatever reason, Edu runs through the shop picking up any English meat he can find. He does little to no research on the product from Britain, however. He’s not bothered about the price of the meat either, nor the expiry date or the nutritional value. He simply intends to take it from the shop and slap it onto the barbecue.

Edu returns to his home with bags full of mediocre English meat. His wife is dismayed as she is confused - when asked why he chose to purchase all of this English meat, Edu simply says “Brexit.”

On top of the excess English, Edu has a surplus of terrible meat in his freezer too. Some of it is soon to expire, some of it just tastes disgusting, but Edu can’t seem to get rid of any of it. He’s too incapable, too lazy even, to try and either throw it in the bin, or sell it to any of his friends.

When it comes to the grilling of the barbecue itself, he’ll often leave the cooking to his mate, Mikel.

Mikel is a very young, inexperienced chef, dealing with a lot of meat. Eaters of his food often complain of burnt sausages, undercooked burgers and a lack of creativity in his cooking despite heavily over-seasoning his food. Many are calling for a new chef, however few can see there is potential in the cuisine Mikel puts together.

As the barbecue unfolds, a buzzing atmosphere is key, however Edu seems to have no regard for it. He makes an active attempt to never talk to the eaters of his food, communicate what will be on the menu, or the thinking behind his food.

All in all, Edu’s barbecue is incredibly mediocre at best.

Every barbecue needs fire, and if Edu doesn’t tend to this flame better, it will either die out or evolve into a deadly inferno. Either way, Edu’s barbecue might soon cease to exist altogether.

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