David Luiz Punches Dani Ceballos: The Facts of the Matter
By Rob Worthington (Senior Writer)
It’s a sad day for Arsenal Football Club. David Ornstein has today confirmed Mikel Arteta has lost all control. His decision to persist with what can only be described as the stale front three of a misfiring Aubameyang on the left, a physically declining Lacazette through the middle and an ageing Willian on the right has led to all hell breaking loose at London Colney.
Nonetheless, Arteta’s compatriot Dani Ceballos’ support for his manager remains staunch. After months of indoctrination, the Spaniard has grown to accept that Pierre-Emerick’s Aubameyang’s best position is left-wing-back and Alex Lacazette is by far the greatest striker to have ever graced a football pitch.
Last week, in an impressive act of loyalty, Ceballos showed his willingness to shed blood for his manager. David Luiz, whose eccentricity has allowed him to overcome Arteta’s brainwashing techniques, spoke out against Arteta’s philosophy. He was so aggravated that he swung a punch in the direction of his boss. Almost miraculously, Dani Ceballos, literally, jumped to Mikel Arteta’s defence.
Ceballos, as a result of his heroism, suffered a horrific injury known by experts as a ‘nosebleed.’ Ever since, carnage has entailed at Arsenal Football Club. In acts of defiance, Ceballos shaved off his beautiful head of hair while Willian decided it’d be best to escape to Dubai in the midst of the conflict. All the while, the AFCBell on Twitter, secretly ran by Mikel Arteta, fabricated rumours concerning Dominik Szoboszlai to tame the Arsenal faithful.
Unfortunately, after being promoted from head coach to manager, Mikel Arteta reached an unsackable position. Club protocol instructs that once someone receives the title of ‘manager’ they must stay in that role for 22 years regardless of their performance. For the same reason, Arteta cannot quit.
Who knows where this story goes next? After the most boring international break of all time, Mikel Arteta now has his full squad back with him and it’s believed he wants to continue with the indoctrination progress. Only one thing is certain at Arsenal… The front three will continue to consist of Aubameyang, Lacazette, and Willian for eternity.
Please forgive me for this dreadful attempt at a satire, it’s been a long week!